Germany: The Myth

Good Day Mates!
When I used to think about Germany, it conjured images of cleanliness, precision, and efficiency. Most of this comes from watching Mercedes-Benz commercials and bad guys in action movies. Unfortunately, the real world version of Germans only keeps the cleanliness characteristic. I am going to give three examples of German inefficiency that I personally encountered over 4 days. These aren't the only examples, but the others would just be redundant.

Item 1: Garbage Cans
This is a result of cleanliness, which I can't really knock too much. Germans consider the bathroom the "dirty place" as my friend in Germany explained. So there is only a garbage can in the bathroom. When my wife and I stayed in hotels, it was a huge pain trying to locate the garbage can in the room. If you blow your nose, obviously you must be in the bathroom so you can toss your tissue away. Not only that, it's baby sized. I don't want to touch it, so trying to open the lid with the foot press and throwing my garbage into the little hole was a challenge. I am just saying that maybe a garbage somewhere in the main area of a room might be nice.

Item 2: Driving
So I had to rent a car. One requirement to driving in Germany was a GPS system. You are constantly changing roads and there didn't seem to be an easily understood pattern to the roads. More importantly, German drivers are very distracting because they drive with a singular purpose: to get to their destination as quickly as possible! The highways do not have speed limits, but I like that! The problem is that they drive with tunnel vision. Here's an example. I wanted to make a left turn into a strip mall type area. I went into the middle turn lane, which is often a left turn for both directions of traffic in Los Angeles. However, this middle lane was not for my traffic direction. The car coming in the opposite drives right up to my front bumper and waves his hands in the air as if I just magically appeared there. If I saw someone in that lane, at the very least I would at least avoid the car. It was like they never saw me. That is the tunnel vision that is inefficient. Put simply, you're not supposed to be there, so you're not there.

Item 3: Queuing Up
This one is my favorite. Ryanair gives great discounts on European flights. One of the drawbacks is that there are no assigned seats and everyone goes on to the plane at the same time, unless you pay extra to go first. In Rome Ciampo airport, my wife and I watched people line up for other flights. Maybe a half hour before flights began boarding, people formed a line to get on board. Once they allowed boarding, the process was a little slow, but orderly. We saw this for flights to Paris, Stockholm, and Amsterdam. Finally, it's about 45 minutes until our flight back to Germany. We got on line for our flight. Suddenly people started coming up, trying to fill gaps of space in the line. There was no order. Imagine a ball with three strings attached to it. This was the line. People were trying to find any angle to cut in front of someone else. We had to use our bags to fend off the trespassers! The guy behind us had the nerve to open up a newspaper and start reading as if he was on a park bench. My back is not a table! My wife was very savvy because she raced to the exit rows once we got on. Ryanair has a rule that only English speakers can sit in the exit rows. Score one for us!

The moral of the story is you can't believe everything you see on TV. Oh, and bring your own garbage cans.

I'm a Living in a Box,
I'm a Living in a Cardboard Box!

Germany: The Food

My Fellow Americans,
I recently visited Germany. I thought it would be good to see how the "other half" lives. Man, Germany is pretty rough. I am sure there are great things about it that I didn't have a chance to see, but I can say that 2 of the four cities I visited in Germany smelled like cow dung. So to extrapolate from that sample, 50% of Germany smells like fertilizer. In my estimation, this doesn't provide a welcoming environment to tourists. In fact, that may explain why their language sounds so harsh. I might be rather angry too if everything I said had a feces aftertaste to it.

Surprisingly, I liked the food. I am normally a vegetarian, but I thought, when in Kirchhellen, do as the Kirchhellenites (Kirchhellenans? Kirchhellen-O-bots? Kirchhellen-Scheiße?) do! I rather liked the schnitzel and sauerkraut I had. The sauerkraut did not have the weird, sourly aftertaste that it has in America, could be the lack of putrid smells near American sauerkraut retailers. I also liked the gelato (ice cream) I had. One bite and my head was spinning! Too much flavor! My American senses couldn't process all those natural ingredients! I had to sit down and take a break from it. Woo doggie!

Feed a cold,
Starve a Fever

Not Agoraphobia, Only a Preference...

Dear People on the Outside,
Just like many true blue Americans, I feel there is so much to explore in my backyard, why would I want to travel the world? However, in my case, I don't really want to leave my apartment, is that wrong? It's not that I don't realize the world is an amazing place that has miracles to experience in its four corners. When I imagine meditating at a Shaolin temple or hiking a mountain in South America, I get goose bumps or at least a bit of a rash. It's just that it all seems so troublesome. Planes, trains, rental cars, food, egad man! So much to think about...

Honestly, it's hard enough to get motivated to go to work, which is only a few miles away. I'd like to do everything from my home. It's 2010 and I've paid my taxes! Let's see some of that stimulus money go to my home's infrastructure. For example, I'd like to have my groceries delivered to me, but can I really trust that I got the best bananas and not some super-green version that Jimmy the Bagger stuck on the bottom of the bag. The bottom... really Jimmy? You were honored with a degree from the University of Phoenix man, you're better than that! I bet you didn't even use gloves either...

What were we talking about? Oh right, I like staying in. There is SO MUCH to do. My computer is a gateway to a myriad of activities. I try to keep it "Disney", and it is still fun. There is also television, for those that have one (that's a whole different blog entry). Oh, and talking to yourself. That's hours of fun... scary fun.

There really is nothing out there for me in the real world. If it wasn't for Jimmy and my job, I'd be snug as a bug. I mean, I even have a fireplace, a FIREPLACE for crying out loud! Who wants to leave a fireplace for a non-fireplace environment? I don't like it.

The worst part about going outside is that there are people there. You people on the outside are hard to interact with. Yeah I said it, you people. Walking around like you're the King of Europe when you know very well I'm the King of Europe. I just don't like to visit my kingdom.
Wow, now I am pumped for my next long weekend, thanks people!

Who's House?
Run's House!

Groovin' on a Sunday Afternoon...

Dear People of the Autobahn,
I tried renting a car in Europe. I assumed everything was fine with my reservation until a friend of mine said, "Well, are you sure the car is an automatic?" Huh? They still make cars with a manual transmission? Apparently outside the good old US of A, people like to drive stick. I don't like it.

If I am going to drive somewhere, do I really want to work any harder than I need to? In fact, I will put to you that I work too hard already! Hey, makers of mobiles... yeah you with the glasses on! Adding celebrity voices to Garmin and TomTom is a waste of manpower. I am not better served having a Yeti direct me to the nearest gas station. If you can put cruise control and GPS into my car, then I think you should be able to drive the car for me. I mean really, how much worse can you be. Besides, it would be a huge seller. Do you know how hard it is for people in bear suits to drive with those big paws?

OK, so we established you're driving my car. Well, I am going to need a comfortable backseat then. How about a hammock for a backseat, so I can rock myself into a power nap. Yeah, that's nice. Oh, and tailfins are a non-negotiable.

Now for the icing on the cake. If I've learned anything about the future in movies, it's that cars that drive themselves need a robot to occupy the driver's seat. Now, I am just putting it out there, but how about a wax replica of your favorite actor. You can have the replica say movie quotes during the trip. I'd choose Arnold Schwarzenegger and have him do Julie Andrews quotes from Mary Poppins. Of course, it would need to be Julies Andrews' voice and maybe a song or two from the movie. Did I mention the bear suit?

Dum Dum Dum,
Another One Bites the Dust!

Harry Potter and the Beasleys!

Dear Fantasy Folk,
It's not that I hate Harry Potter. Some of my best friends are named Harry Potter! It's just that you could make up any nonsense and it would be a believable subplot of the series. For example, back when Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was released, some people at my job made sure to see it on the opening night.

The next time I saw them, they asked me if I viewed the masterpiece. Naturally, I didn't, but that's a boring answer. Looking into their big eyes full of hope and wonderment, I said, "Yes, and my favorite part was the scene with the leprechaun!" Uh oh, they couldn't remember that, better elaborate. "You know, the leprechaun who kept following the Beasleys (I don't why saying their name wrong amuses me so) around asking to shine their shoes, but the Beasleys kept saying no!" At this point, my two young coworkers believed they missed an interesting scene and planned to go back to check it out again. I couldn't have Harry Potpot making any more money, so I told them I was just kidding.

The funny part is there actually was a leprechaun in the movie! It was a fireworks display of a leprechaun. How am I supposed to take this franchise seriously? C'mon son!

Now You Know,
And Knowing Is Half The Battle!

Here's The Pitch...

Dear Movie Land,
Yeah buddy, I'm about to wobble your jello! So I don't really like watching George Clooney, but what if we put him in a bear costume. We'd have to put an eye patch over the bear's right eye, so the viewers at home know it's not a real bear, but an actor playing a guy in a bear suit. There, ya happy PETA!
So Bear-Clooney shines shoes for a living, until the day he sees the girl of his dreams, Uma Thurman. She's tough girl Uma, not soft, vunerable Uma (that's not a good look Uma; keep it bad mamma jamma style!) Uma is too cool to hang out with B-C. So to impress her, he decides to franchise his shoeshine business. The rest pretty much writes itself. Blah blah... brother with eye patch on the left eye of his bear suit. Something something... enters a ski tournament. Yadda yadda... huge car explosions.
I don't want to spoil the ending, but everyone dies from bad eggs or lead poisoning. I smell an Oscar, and it smells goooooooooooooood!

Congratulations,
You Won

You Can't See Me!

Dear People of Earth,
I am all for people making mistakes. It's how we grow. For example, I botch things up all the time; it's why I use a pencil. This way, if I screw up, I can use the eraser to hide my blemishes and nobody is the wiser! Pens are a bit arrogant, kind of like saying, "Ooh look at me, I am writing without a net. Good day sir. I said good day!" Please! I don't need that kind uppity jibba jabba! An erasable pen reminds me of a low end BMW in that I don't know who you're trying to impress, but TRY HARDER! When I write with my pencil, I am saying to the world, "Hey, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going to sketch this out real quick..." Also, there is a wide selection of decorative erasers. Personally, I prefer a Yogi Bear themed eraser. I like bears; bears are funny.
My biggest gripe with my pencil is sharpening it. Every time I try to sharpen a pencil, there's a piece on one side that is still wood. Why is that? I've done it with a small, hand-sized one, no good. I've used those hand cranking, Model T wannabe sharpeners, no good. Finally, I've tried electric sharpeners, feels great, but no good. I've determined, using the scientific method, that all pencils are defective. Yup, that sounds about right. So next on my wish list are pencils that sharpen uniformly to a conical, graphite point. No wood allowed. No hippies either!

That's all I got to say about that!
You Heard Me

Let me clear my throat...

Dear People of Earth,
I would like an egg van. I don't want a van made of eggs, because that would be silly. I want a van that sells boiled eggs, just like the ice cream truck that's always ring-a-dinging their sassy bells. Where does ice cream get off running around in a truck like they're BigFoot or some other monster truck type truck that people who go to those things might know their names. We need eggs man! Not scrambled, baked, or poached. I'm talking boiled, baby, the good stuff! My buddy went to a restaurant the other day and they made him pay $1.50 for a boiled egg, can you believe that? What in the world? Now I know you guys love your eggs, so what better way to appease yourselves than to get me a big ol' egg van, with tailfins! Ok, tailfins on a van might be odd, but odd is good when you're selling eggs! I figure maybe throw in a free pickle for every dozen eggs. A real dozen, not a baker's dozen. Hippies giving away free pieces of bread...

Thank You,

Your Welcome