You Can't See Me!

Dear People of Earth,
I am all for people making mistakes. It's how we grow. For example, I botch things up all the time; it's why I use a pencil. This way, if I screw up, I can use the eraser to hide my blemishes and nobody is the wiser! Pens are a bit arrogant, kind of like saying, "Ooh look at me, I am writing without a net. Good day sir. I said good day!" Please! I don't need that kind uppity jibba jabba! An erasable pen reminds me of a low end BMW in that I don't know who you're trying to impress, but TRY HARDER! When I write with my pencil, I am saying to the world, "Hey, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going to sketch this out real quick..." Also, there is a wide selection of decorative erasers. Personally, I prefer a Yogi Bear themed eraser. I like bears; bears are funny.
My biggest gripe with my pencil is sharpening it. Every time I try to sharpen a pencil, there's a piece on one side that is still wood. Why is that? I've done it with a small, hand-sized one, no good. I've used those hand cranking, Model T wannabe sharpeners, no good. Finally, I've tried electric sharpeners, feels great, but no good. I've determined, using the scientific method, that all pencils are defective. Yup, that sounds about right. So next on my wish list are pencils that sharpen uniformly to a conical, graphite point. No wood allowed. No hippies either!

That's all I got to say about that!
You Heard Me

Let me clear my throat...

Dear People of Earth,
I would like an egg van. I don't want a van made of eggs, because that would be silly. I want a van that sells boiled eggs, just like the ice cream truck that's always ring-a-dinging their sassy bells. Where does ice cream get off running around in a truck like they're BigFoot or some other monster truck type truck that people who go to those things might know their names. We need eggs man! Not scrambled, baked, or poached. I'm talking boiled, baby, the good stuff! My buddy went to a restaurant the other day and they made him pay $1.50 for a boiled egg, can you believe that? What in the world? Now I know you guys love your eggs, so what better way to appease yourselves than to get me a big ol' egg van, with tailfins! Ok, tailfins on a van might be odd, but odd is good when you're selling eggs! I figure maybe throw in a free pickle for every dozen eggs. A real dozen, not a baker's dozen. Hippies giving away free pieces of bread...

Thank You,

Your Welcome