Not Agoraphobia, Only a Preference...

Dear People on the Outside,
Just like many true blue Americans, I feel there is so much to explore in my backyard, why would I want to travel the world? However, in my case, I don't really want to leave my apartment, is that wrong? It's not that I don't realize the world is an amazing place that has miracles to experience in its four corners. When I imagine meditating at a Shaolin temple or hiking a mountain in South America, I get goose bumps or at least a bit of a rash. It's just that it all seems so troublesome. Planes, trains, rental cars, food, egad man! So much to think about...

Honestly, it's hard enough to get motivated to go to work, which is only a few miles away. I'd like to do everything from my home. It's 2010 and I've paid my taxes! Let's see some of that stimulus money go to my home's infrastructure. For example, I'd like to have my groceries delivered to me, but can I really trust that I got the best bananas and not some super-green version that Jimmy the Bagger stuck on the bottom of the bag. The bottom... really Jimmy? You were honored with a degree from the University of Phoenix man, you're better than that! I bet you didn't even use gloves either...

What were we talking about? Oh right, I like staying in. There is SO MUCH to do. My computer is a gateway to a myriad of activities. I try to keep it "Disney", and it is still fun. There is also television, for those that have one (that's a whole different blog entry). Oh, and talking to yourself. That's hours of fun... scary fun.

There really is nothing out there for me in the real world. If it wasn't for Jimmy and my job, I'd be snug as a bug. I mean, I even have a fireplace, a FIREPLACE for crying out loud! Who wants to leave a fireplace for a non-fireplace environment? I don't like it.

The worst part about going outside is that there are people there. You people on the outside are hard to interact with. Yeah I said it, you people. Walking around like you're the King of Europe when you know very well I'm the King of Europe. I just don't like to visit my kingdom.
Wow, now I am pumped for my next long weekend, thanks people!

Who's House?
Run's House!

Groovin' on a Sunday Afternoon...

Dear People of the Autobahn,
I tried renting a car in Europe. I assumed everything was fine with my reservation until a friend of mine said, "Well, are you sure the car is an automatic?" Huh? They still make cars with a manual transmission? Apparently outside the good old US of A, people like to drive stick. I don't like it.

If I am going to drive somewhere, do I really want to work any harder than I need to? In fact, I will put to you that I work too hard already! Hey, makers of mobiles... yeah you with the glasses on! Adding celebrity voices to Garmin and TomTom is a waste of manpower. I am not better served having a Yeti direct me to the nearest gas station. If you can put cruise control and GPS into my car, then I think you should be able to drive the car for me. I mean really, how much worse can you be. Besides, it would be a huge seller. Do you know how hard it is for people in bear suits to drive with those big paws?

OK, so we established you're driving my car. Well, I am going to need a comfortable backseat then. How about a hammock for a backseat, so I can rock myself into a power nap. Yeah, that's nice. Oh, and tailfins are a non-negotiable.

Now for the icing on the cake. If I've learned anything about the future in movies, it's that cars that drive themselves need a robot to occupy the driver's seat. Now, I am just putting it out there, but how about a wax replica of your favorite actor. You can have the replica say movie quotes during the trip. I'd choose Arnold Schwarzenegger and have him do Julie Andrews quotes from Mary Poppins. Of course, it would need to be Julies Andrews' voice and maybe a song or two from the movie. Did I mention the bear suit?

Dum Dum Dum,
Another One Bites the Dust!

Harry Potter and the Beasleys!

Dear Fantasy Folk,
It's not that I hate Harry Potter. Some of my best friends are named Harry Potter! It's just that you could make up any nonsense and it would be a believable subplot of the series. For example, back when Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was released, some people at my job made sure to see it on the opening night.

The next time I saw them, they asked me if I viewed the masterpiece. Naturally, I didn't, but that's a boring answer. Looking into their big eyes full of hope and wonderment, I said, "Yes, and my favorite part was the scene with the leprechaun!" Uh oh, they couldn't remember that, better elaborate. "You know, the leprechaun who kept following the Beasleys (I don't why saying their name wrong amuses me so) around asking to shine their shoes, but the Beasleys kept saying no!" At this point, my two young coworkers believed they missed an interesting scene and planned to go back to check it out again. I couldn't have Harry Potpot making any more money, so I told them I was just kidding.

The funny part is there actually was a leprechaun in the movie! It was a fireworks display of a leprechaun. How am I supposed to take this franchise seriously? C'mon son!

Now You Know,
And Knowing Is Half The Battle!

Here's The Pitch...

Dear Movie Land,
Yeah buddy, I'm about to wobble your jello! So I don't really like watching George Clooney, but what if we put him in a bear costume. We'd have to put an eye patch over the bear's right eye, so the viewers at home know it's not a real bear, but an actor playing a guy in a bear suit. There, ya happy PETA!
So Bear-Clooney shines shoes for a living, until the day he sees the girl of his dreams, Uma Thurman. She's tough girl Uma, not soft, vunerable Uma (that's not a good look Uma; keep it bad mamma jamma style!) Uma is too cool to hang out with B-C. So to impress her, he decides to franchise his shoeshine business. The rest pretty much writes itself. Blah blah... brother with eye patch on the left eye of his bear suit. Something something... enters a ski tournament. Yadda yadda... huge car explosions.
I don't want to spoil the ending, but everyone dies from bad eggs or lead poisoning. I smell an Oscar, and it smells goooooooooooooood!

Congratulations,
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